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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Brand New Sidewalk...

From January 2, 2009

In 2008 I learned more about me than I thought was mentally possible! I also learned more about the people around me than I knew before. I went through heart break, lost some very good people to an after life and realized who I can really call family in my life. I also found some very good friends along the way. People that I can't image my life without and have become an integral part of my growing and tolerance for alcohol. =P

School proved slightly exhausting by Fall semester, but starting this year with a full load did prove to me to be a little difficult, but I know I can do it. I made some incredible friends and eventually gained a small social life. They are all incredible people (you know who you are) and they're not pseudo-intellectuals. Hehehe…little inside joke. They are brilliant artists that I can share what I know with and learn so much from. Each one of them has a very remarkable place in my heart and going through my first semester at KSU and of art was a blast! It's one of the better decisions I made.

Going through changes is never an easy thing, especially if they completely uproot your normal day-to-day, but I guess they can be good if they bring you closer to family. I ended the longest relationship I've ever had and made one of the easiest decisions I've ever made: moved back in with the fam. And they took my in with open arms. It wasn't even a second thought when I asked Mom to come home…again. And with that, a learning experience about what it means to be a member of the family.

I rekindled a few friendships and lost a few on the way as well. It's never an easy thing to remove yourself from people's lives, but sometimes it needs to be done. It's also a bitch to explain, so the only thing that needs to be said is it's for the best…for me. As selfish as that may sound, it's difficult to watch friends enter a self-destructive phase. Maybe one day down the road things will look up and be repaired.

Everyone says that starting a new year means starting off fresh. Sloughing off the crap from 2008, but learning from it and remembering only the good things that made it was. This is no exception for me. I read a friend's post about the things he is going to differently this year. We had a few similar experiences so it also helped with my decisions for this year.

Financially:

Cut up the credit cards. The only resolution that I am making this year that I have already accomplished. I came to work this morning and shredded up 4 of my 6 cards. I can't say I will have them paid off this year, but I am working on that every month without incurring anymore debt. Soon I will be debt free and will love having a semi-entire paycheck.

Save. I am the worst person to talk to about saving money. I am a pretty live-by-the-moment person, but even I know the downer to not having money when in a rough situation. I feel like I have exhausted going to the "mom bank" even though I do pay her back. I need to be financially smart and stable. Something I need to work on.

Removing unnecessary spending. I had a wake up call last week when I looked at all the transactions that hit my bank account this year and seeing all of the crap I buy! I need to be more frugal, but not a penny-pincher. Going out every now and then with friends is perfectly fine. I also need to work on my buyer's remorse.

Socially:

My life should not revolve around work, although it does. I am proud of my job performance and of myself, but I need to realize that weekends are to let go and be free of the corporate strings. I don't answer emails on the weekend, but I do worry about work-related things. Ugh…one of my many downfalls!

People. There are people in my life that I enjoy spending time with while there are also people in my life that I don't care much for. For the positively influencing people, I will be more available, more fun! These are the people that get my through the days where I just don't want to wake up. These are the people that care about me. For those that have a negative impact on my life, you are forgotten. I need to remember that these are the people that don't see my dad-to-day and don't know a thing about me. Why am I letting their petty antics get under my skin?

School. Work harder, but still make time to meet people! I am a socially outgoing person. This is my mother's influence on me!! I love being around people and as much as I do love school the work part sucks. But I need to keep on top of things. Remember dates. Prioritize my work, social, and school calendars a bit better. Get my grades up and get HOPE back. Kick my ass if I'm not getting something done! (That is an invite for everyone else, but figuratively, not literally.)

Family:

I need to be more available to my family. And more forgiving to those that I feel have no idea on what it means to be family. I am so grateful to have a mother that will give anything to her kids if it's needed and do what she can to help out. I am grateful to have siblings that really do get me and that are so different from each other. They make my life so full and complete and I love them so much. I have a step-dad that is the ½ of my mom that has been missing. They complete each other and I don't thank him enough for all of the things he does. And for just being who he is. I have a father who I distance myself from. Something I'm not very proud of but I do have reasons. I do need to stop looking for reasons to be upset with him and just accept the person that he his. But I also need to realize that he is not someone that I can rely on, as difficult as it may be.

I need to take more trips to Columbus to visit my little sister. I need to make more plans with my brother and sister-in-law. I need to make memories with the people that come in first place in my life. Family has always been a huge thing for me and I need to start cherishing the every day with them.

Emotionally:

Break ups are difficult as hell, but letting go is so much more! I am so guilty of holding onto Marcus. We had incredible times and some difficult ones, but I just need to let go. Stop looking to the past. Stop looking to the what could and just keep with me the feelings and the lessons that I learned. I am an emotional person and every decision I make and every experience I have affects me emotionally first. While remaining to be open-minded and open-hearted, I have to learn to walk away and not look back. I have to keep my self shielded, but at the same time, not be completely closed off. I need to let people in and keep an eye open to experiences that may change a little bit of my life.

I can not wrap myself up in a relationship. I lost who I was and one of the biggest things that defined my life in my relationship. I don't resent our relationship for that, I just think that I was careless in my decisions and I didn't see the whole picture before jumping. While I'm not and never will be a party animal, I do enjoy cutting up with my friends. I'm young. I'm 23 and I enjoy being with people. Even when I'm 33 and 43 I will always enjoy being around people. I have to give myself that again.

There were 365 days in 2008 that crumbled and fell, but that also rebuilt who I was/am. 365 days of everyday occurrences that may seem miniscule to passerbys, but to me are the most important things in my life. There are 363 days left of 2009. I can't say that I will be a completely different person this time next year, but I will make it the best damn time that I can, filled with the best people that I can fill it with. I hate resolutions. I think they're retarded because I mean, c'mon, who really keeps them?! But I made one, and I'm proud of myself for achieving it. It may seem small to others, but I'm proud. I will make a promise to myself though: Be real. Live everyday, actually live it. Hold on to the amazing moments that make my skin crawl and let go of the moments that make my heart shudder a little. Remember the people that have come and gone and hold the hell on to the people that have stayed. It's a new year. Time for change, right?

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