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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dare You to Move

From January 12, 2009

In the last couple weeks I’ve had a relationship grow into something I had never even thought possible. I knew Bill (name changed for anonymity) from my freshman year at ..Harrison... While we weren’t close friends, I did consider him a closer acquaintance than most people I met there. He was always fun and inviting. Our circles brushed with each other, but I still hung out with other people. Not saying him and his friends were not worthy of my friendship, but he does march to a different drum beat than most (not to be taken the wrong way).

Bill found me on Facebook several months back and while I was excited to hear from him, I was a little hesitant to hang out with him. We went to the movies once and he came over to my house, but after a very confusing and slightly awkward night at the bar, I tried to avoid him at all costs. Said confusion is not good for my simple mind and thinking about everything go my mind in a tizzy trying to sort it out when I guess I couldn’t deal with the fact that it just happened. I had to find a deeper meaning, being the emotional wreck that I am.

For the next couple months, when he was in town, I’d come up with reason after reason to ditch him. I figured the awkwardness would continue although there was some slight attraction. I wasn’t ready for more awkwardness.

In the last couple weeks, things have spun. They’ve possibly spun out of control, at least on my part. We’ve hung out a number of times and while I enjoy the time that I spend with him, I find myself getting more and more attached and I’m not sure that’s a place where either of us need to be right now. I know (after reading a post he made) that it isn’t a place for him. My problem is, the physical part wasn’t discussed before hand as just fun, so I guess I’m hanging onto that in my head. Once again, I’m in an emotional tizzy. An arousing uproar. My mind can not separate the “just for the hell of it” with the emotional latch on.

I don’t want to jeopardize the friendship that has grown between us in the last few weeks. I need his friendship more than he knows I do and I’m pretty sure he needs the least complicated female friend as possible. But my emotions have become a whirlwind and I’m afraid of facing that inevitable “Maybe we should just go different ways” talk. It’s never something I enjoy as I don’t have many close friends, but I feel that being honest in this situation is the only I’m going to gain any ounce of respect after pouring out emotion after emotion to him.

In my quest to leave the past in the past, he is been an integral part. But at the same time, I feel I’m trying to replace that hole in my heart that is left after breaking up with Marcus with something just as deep and meaningful and I know that’s not the way it works. No, I’m not over Marcus. I do still love him. I just need to find some healthy, non-emotional outlet to get me over him. I haven’t found that yet, and I have no clue where to begin

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