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Thursday, January 8, 2009

How Do I Fix My Head?

From January 4, 2009

It's been 3 1/2 days in the new year and my whole idea of "being real" has come into place more than I've wanted to. And while it's incredibly difficult for me to do and sometimes impossible, I am realizing more about myself and the person that I am. I do wish to continue on with my challenge in hopes that maybe it will change part of me. There are still a few people that I want to be forthcoming to, but only when the time feels right. I can't just do it to get it out.

In 3 1/2 days, I have learned that emotion rules my life. I am and always will be an emotional person. I've always known this, but recent events have forced me to really look down into myself for reasons behind my decisions and the only that that I can link it to is emotion. I get emotional and I make decision based on those emotions. I care about people. I let people get to me. I cry at every stinkin' chick flick. It's how I am. Granted, this is not a bad thing, but I have to constantly look both ways before I cross the street and I get myself into a confused mess that is really unnecessary.

I am a passionate person. I have been in a couple situations lately where I feel everything! From my toes to my head, I feel like I'm going to explode. I know passion is something everyone looks for, but it's like I need it to survive. I can't go day to day with the mundane. I guess that's why every relationship I've been in, I've left. Things get to be the same. They become predictable and lose that spark. That excitement that comes from something new. The intensity. I understand that it happens. It's life. People change and life gets in the way and it becomes a chore to reignite what once was, but I can't accept that this is the way it has to be. Life should have intensity and emotion. It should have passion.

I've recently rekindled a friendship with a very unsuspecting person of my past. Someone I would have never thought of in any way other than friend. But these recent situations that have forced me to become more open involve him mostly. I do believe that I was confused about 3/4 of the time we have spent together and that's pretty much due to me just being me. I've over analyzed every aspect of what is and what could be. I've tried of analyze every step of the way to prevent someone getting hurt, but I guess that's another thing I have to deal with. Hurt happens and it's inevitable.

I just wish that by being this new person, this "real" person, I learn something more about me and I'm able to control other parts of me. I'm hoping that I become a stronger, more stable person, but I hope that I don't lose the passion that I have for people and life. I think that's one of my best qualities. It makes me who I am today.

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