It's incredible how easy it is to keep those decisions you want to make during the first week of the New Year. I guess it's about mid-March when people start to forget they've made a resolution or a promise to themselves or others that they are trying to keep all year. I guess blogging about my experiences helps to immortalize them in a way, sort of reminding me and saying "Hey, this is the person that you want to be! Get back to it!!"
For those that are on my Facebook page may have seen my status all day. "
I'm still not cold-hearted. We got into a little tiff yesterday after a comment that he made. It's like he's jealous because my mom gets so much of our affection, but at the same time, she meets us ½ way. She calls us, so we call her. She gives, so we give back. My dad was raised very differently. He was raised knowing that your parents should have your respect at all costs. While I some-what agree, I do think that it should still be earned. He was also raised knowing that he should always call his parents. The parents shouldn't have to call the kids. Again, I some-what agree, but I was raised to meet ½ way. I can't give myself up completely if it's not reciprocated.
Again, I am not cold-hearted. Kevin made a comment a couple weeks ago as I was divulging into yet another issue I had with my dad. He made a comment that went something like this: While I'm not saying your attitude towards him isn't unwarranted, it seems like you now look for reasons to be pissed at him. The littlest issue becomes something huge. Wow, it never really hit me, but he was right. So after his comment was made, like normal, my emotions raged. My heart started pounding and I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. I began typing a response, as level-headed as I could be. I dug deep. I got to the root of my issues and it makes so much sense. I fought with myself and talked to a couple people (my mom being one) about actually sending the email. While I've sent many, many emails that pretty much give him the finger, for whatever reason it was incredible difficult to actually press the SEND button. I guess I was afraid of the slap in the face to come back even though I know he wouldn't respond. I guess I was afraid of the shit it would stir up with the rest of my family. I knew my mom would get caught in the cross fire. She usually is.
But nothing has happened. And I'm not anxious about anything that may come of it. The truth of it is, I finally said what I needed to say and his response, which can make me either angry or feel bad at first, will in the end not make any impact on me. I have incredible parents (parents referring to my mom and step-dad) and have many times almost called Keith "dad". Blood doesn't define family. That has become more and more obvious.
While you have a point, there is one key factor. Loved ones (family) expect to be called, regardless of seniority in said family. With this being said, you expect us to call you every day because you call Mamita. Some families are not like that. You want to know why we talk to mom everyday? She meets us ½ way. She calls us as well. Don't expect us to call you because you feel you deserve it because you're our father. While I won't call you a dead beat dad, you have been emotionally/physically absent for the last few years. Yes, you have provided for me, us, but "being there" is a whole other level to being called family. Ever since you've put together your new family, you have been absent from this one. Giving money doesn't count. Most of the times you come up here is when Alex has something to do, not just because. And you expect us to stop our lives to just come down there. The only reason I have even stayed in contact is for that kid, and to be honest, there's a little bit of envy towards him. He's had my dad for longer than I have. He has a dad that has stuck around and been his coach in sports. He has had a dad to be there emotionally and physically. Yes, there is a slight feeling of abandonment. I know you didn't walk out, but it feels like you just gave up when you noticed we wanted to be with mom more. I can't speak for Juan and Frankie, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that feels this way.
I won't ask for your help anymore. I don't want to feel like I owe you for something you offered.