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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Typical Situation

From January 7, 2009

It's incredible how easy it is to keep those decisions you want to make during the first week of the New Year. I guess it's about mid-March when people start to forget they've made a resolution or a promise to themselves or others that they are trying to keep all year. I guess blogging about my experiences helps to immortalize them in a way, sort of reminding me and saying "Hey, this is the person that you want to be! Get back to it!!"

For those that are on my Facebook page may have seen my status all day. "Nubia is trying to get through a pretty big decision." A few have asked what was going on and I really wasn't prepared to share until the dust settled so to speak. Granted, it may stir up again, but I can honestly say that I'm in a good place about the whole thing and I'm trying really hard to not get emotional about it the way I normally do.

Most of my friends know that my dad is not high on my list of people I'd like to be stranded on an island with. I've had deep-seeded "Daddy Issues", so to speak, and have never gotten to the root of the problem. I've tried many times to get closer only to feel the repel of his stubbornness over and over again. But he truly feels that's the best he can do because he doesn't feel he should make the effort to change. I've bitched and moaned to many of my close friends and colleagues about situations, but never took anything from their advice. Stupid me. After Marcus's mom passed, I made a promise to him to try again. While we were in Augusta (which was the same week my dad's birthday), I went to see him. I almost felt like I was coming to him with my tail between my legs. Things were okay for a couple weeks, but ended up going back to normal. Well, normalcy for us is a very complex thing. I say something and he gets offended. He says something and I get offended and emotional. Like clockwork, the shoe dropped. After that instance, I refused to try.

I'm not cold-hearted, I've just been through a lot emotionally with him. The last few months have been a lot rougher. He offers help with school, but when I ask, I'm denied. "I don't have the money" he says. It's almost bullshit, being that he just put in a pool, Jacuzzi, and completely landscaped. But it's none of my business. For whatever reason, for the longest time I felt like he owed me something. Like since he's not there physically and my mom give so much of herself, he should be there financially. Or at least try to be there emotionally. I should know better than to ask something that's damn near impossible, right?

I'm still not cold-hearted. We got into a little tiff yesterday after a comment that he made. It's like he's jealous because my mom gets so much of our affection, but at the same time, she meets us ½ way. She calls us, so we call her. She gives, so we give back. My dad was raised very differently. He was raised knowing that your parents should have your respect at all costs. While I some-what agree, I do think that it should still be earned. He was also raised knowing that he should always call his parents. The parents shouldn't have to call the kids. Again, I some-what agree, but I was raised to meet ½ way. I can't give myself up completely if it's not reciprocated.

Again, I am not cold-hearted. Kevin made a comment a couple weeks ago as I was divulging into yet another issue I had with my dad. He made a comment that went something like this: While I'm not saying your attitude towards him isn't unwarranted, it seems like you now look for reasons to be pissed at him. The littlest issue becomes something huge. Wow, it never really hit me, but he was right. So after his comment was made, like normal, my emotions raged. My heart started pounding and I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. I began typing a response, as level-headed as I could be. I dug deep. I got to the root of my issues and it makes so much sense. I fought with myself and talked to a couple people (my mom being one) about actually sending the email. While I've sent many, many emails that pretty much give him the finger, for whatever reason it was incredible difficult to actually press the SEND button. I guess I was afraid of the slap in the face to come back even though I know he wouldn't respond. I guess I was afraid of the shit it would stir up with the rest of my family. I knew my mom would get caught in the cross fire. She usually is.

But nothing has happened. And I'm not anxious about anything that may come of it. The truth of it is, I finally said what I needed to say and his response, which can make me either angry or feel bad at first, will in the end not make any impact on me. I have incredible parents (parents referring to my mom and step-dad) and have many times almost called Keith "dad". Blood doesn't define family. That has become more and more obvious.

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Response to my father:

While you have a point, there is one key factor. Loved ones (family) expect to be called, regardless of seniority in said family. With this being said, you expect us to call you every day because you call Mamita. Some families are not like that. You want to know why we talk to mom everyday? She meets us ½ way. She calls us as well. Don't expect us to call you because you feel you deserve it because you're our father. While I won't call you a dead beat dad, you have been emotionally/physically absent for the last few years. Yes, you have provided for me, us, but "being there" is a whole other level to being called family. Ever since you've put together your new family, you have been absent from this one. Giving money doesn't count. Most of the times you come up here is when Alex has something to do, not just because. And you expect us to stop our lives to just come down there. The only reason I have even stayed in contact is for that kid, and to be honest, there's a little bit of envy towards him. He's had my dad for longer than I have. He has a dad that has stuck around and been his coach in sports. He has had a dad to be there emotionally and physically. Yes, there is a slight feeling of abandonment. I know you didn't walk out, but it feels like you just gave up when you noticed we wanted to be with mom more. I can't speak for Juan and Frankie, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that feels this way.

But you know what? I used to let it bother me. I used to get so pissed every time you'd say "Let me know if you need help with school" and you'd turn me down when I asked. You say you don't have any money? It may not be any of my business, but that fancy new pool and landscaped backyard say different. But it's none of my business. That's your house. That's your family. It's your life and I haven't felt like I was a part of it for years. That's the problem I have. But now, I just don't care. I don't harbor negative feelings towards you anymore. I just don't have any feelings. And I don't need whatever help you have to offer if it's such an issue every time I ask. And I don't need to explain myself when I don't call. Where have your calls been every week? Speaking to you and seeing you is emotionally draining and I'm done. I can't put myself through it. I just don't care about the way you feel right now.

I won't ask for your help anymore. I don't want to feel like I owe you for something you offered.

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