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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Those who read, my learn...

Writing has always been an outlet for me. But I don't write when I'm angry or depressed. I've done that. Nothing really gets said and I don't feel it's right for others to feel the anger and/or depression. Sure, writing is thereputic, but now I write when my mind is full and I don't know how to vocalize what I'm feeling.

It is sad that we are in a world where communication is done 99% of the time by email or text. True it's impersonal, but in the busy world of today, it's quick. It's convenient. But not necessarily always right. In the matter of true feelings, fast communication isn't the right way. In my opinion, snail mail carries much more emotion. Taking the time out to write, actually handwrite, something proves much more. I get that in typing this I'm being contradictory, but I think I'm getting to my point.

As most of you all know, I am a pretty emotional person. But as most of you don't know, it's to the point of reliance. I rely on people emotionally. But don't take that as the only reason why I make friends. Most of those people are generally the friendships that I will fight for if need be. For the longest time, it was Angel. Angel knew everything about me. She was the first real friend I had. She was the first people I really opened up to. When I went to Utah, I had lost that (for reasons that will not be discussed). From there, I went from guy to guy looking for the same thing. At that point, it's what I did. I turned emotional reassurance into something that I can't even understand now. Looking back, I was more emotionally unstable than I am today.

In the last three hours I've been faced with more emotional weight than I ever have. To the point where my heart is pounding and I feel physically exhausted. And it was face to face. A little over a year ago I started something not completely out of emotional reliance, but yes, it was largely present. I had just ended a two-year relationship with Marcus and it was difficult to breathe. That emotional reliance made it easier. Somewhere along the way something changed. Be it distance or an epiphany, in all honesty, I don't know. But what I do know, I have never tried harder in my life to keep this friendship going. I rely on my friends emotionally. This person in particular more than others. And there's a reason for that. He was there. He knew the circumstances.

Am I wrong for this? I feel that I have bettered myself for the fact that I don't go from one guy to the next looking for my next "emotional fix." But am I wrong for relying on someone for emotional support? For an emotional boost? To me, those are the people that are going to help better your life. Or am I completely wrong?

At the beginning of the year I said I was going to be more honest. While I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, I'm not very good at being honest to someone's face. The words aren't always there and when they are, it's like there's some communication error between my brain, mouth, and vocal chords. That's why I generally choke on my words. And the longer that time goes by, the more difficult it all becomes. I know I have failed so far. It's not very easy to work on.

But to this friend, I say I'm sorry. This is not me trying to reach out for positive affirmation. If people disagree with me, then so be it. But yes, I was expecting too much by asking for you to be an emotional crutch. Hell, I didn't even ask. It's just not fair to you. Just know that if I didn't fight this long, if I just gave up the first time, then that was all this was. I fight because our friendship isn't solely based on that. I fight because I value our friendship. I fight because I care about you. And I want to keep fighting.

So many things were said tonight. Maybe too many things. But they needed to be said. And while it was difficult and emotions were strongly felt, face to face is better than email and text. I can't judge attitude on text and I am so very guilty of jumping to conclusions through it. But I am willing to work on it. I'm willing to fight. Just please, don't give up.

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