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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Round 3

I'm going to go ahead and put out a disclaimer.  This will be an intense post and it will contain religious opinions.  I really don't care to hear rebuttals because it's what I believe.  So if you chose to read on about our continuing struggle, please do.  I only hope that out of this someone may have a glimmer of hope as they are in the same situation.

Blood draw showed no signs of ovulation.  It was a sad blow that I got the Monday after Father's Day.  I'm not going to lie.  I was really praying to give Michael a wonderful Father's Day gift.  But, maybe next year.  On to round 3. 

Round 3 of Clomid came and went last week, rather well.  There were a few moments of despair as I sat alone most of the day on the 4th and 5th, but overall, it was probably the best month yet.  Originally, I was supposed to do this last round at 150mg for 5 days.  Well, my original doctor retired two weeks ago and my new doctor has a different plan.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for a different plan, but he wanted me to do 100mg again this month.  Knowing that 100mg didn't work last time, I reluctantly proceeded with his plan.  Next he wants me to do ovulation kits every day for the next week.  I guess that's cheaper than a blood draw at day 21.  I'm trying to stay cautiously optimistic, but I know that another blow of no ovulation is going to cut deeper than the last two.  As I talk with a close friend about everything that is going on, I keep saying, "I just don't know how couples can go through this for years."  We've been trying for almost a year.  We've been doing the Clomid thing for the last three.  I can't imagine going through this heart ache every time.

I no longer feel like I am a failure.  Scratch that.  I know I'm not a failure.  I hate {again, this is my opinion} when some women complain about all of the problems that they have and begin to say that it makes them feel like less of a woman.  Less of a heavenly mother.  In my opinion, it's about faith.  It's about having the faith that all the things that are going on, include the wrongs, are just a part of your plan.  As a Mormon, one of the earliest things that we learn about is faith.  Dallin H. Oaks {of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints} reminded us in a general conference talk "the first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust."  It sounds like such a simple task, right?  In Hebrews it says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," {Hebews 11:1, KJV}.  So this isn't just a Mormon ideal, but just to bring things back around, us Seminary scholars remember the scripture mastery well, I'm sure: And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true," {Alma 32:39, Book of Mormon}.

I can't put into words enough how frustrated I get when I struggle internally with faith.  I know I should have faith, but yes, sometimes it's hard.  "If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."  I know there's a reason for all of this.  I know there's a reason why we are struggling with this right now when there are illegitimate children born all the time.  Sure, it doesn't feel fair 100% of the time, but who's to say that there isn't an illegitimate child out there waiting for us?  Michael and I joke that maybe through all of this, there's really someone's little mistake waiting to be part of our family.  Of course, I would never put down the emotional torment a mother and/or father must feel when putting a baby for adoption.  I couldn't possibly imagine how it would feel, but I will say that when adoption happens {I've always said regardless of having our own children, I would adopt}, I will be eternally grateful to them.  This is not meant to belittle their feelings, but only to help us move past the struggles.

A couple weeks ago, a very dear friend and I were talking about our struggles in faith as we both try to conceive.  She made a rather funny comment and I hope I don't upset her by sharing.  She tells me "I've always said my kids will be better than all my friend's kids because they spent longer in heaven."  And it still makes me smile.  But then I thought really long and hard about this idea of our children spending more time in Heaven...in Heavenly Father's presence.  Before any of our time, there was a war in Heaven where Lucifer was cast out of Heavenly Father's presence and took with him 1/3 of those that were in Heave as well.  Those that remained, were able to fulfill Heavenly Father's plan of coming to Earth, gaining a body, and returning to him after learning whatever they needed to on this Earth.  I think that war in Heaven is still very present today, but it's down here.  Yes, we know that we all go through temptation and that Satan's presence is always around us ready to drag us down and be miserable with him.  But I really think it's bigger than that.  In October of last year, President Monson {President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints} made a remarkable announcement that has completely changed the missionary effort right now.  He announced that the missionary age for men would be changed from 19 to 18 and for women from 21 to 19.  At the end of 2012, there were 58,990 missionaries serving.  What happened next was remarkable.  I don't know if the First Presidency expected this...I certainly didn't.  "The response of our young people has been remarkable and inspiring. As of April 4—two days ago—we have 65,634 full-time missionaries serving, with over 20,000 more who have received their calls but who have not yet entered a missionary training center and over 6,000 more in the interview process with their bishops and stake presidents. It has been necessary for us to create 58 new missions to accommodate the increased numbers of missionaries," President Monson announced in April

So where am I going this?  This may sound like a stretch, but bare with me...and have a little faith.  I think that with the incredible surge in the missionary effort today and the rate of infertility slowly increasing, our efforts need to be concentrated on what's going on here and now.  Maybe our joke about the little mistake isn't far off.  Perhaps the children we may have {if that's in God's plan} are not supposed to be here yet because there is too much going on in the world for their perfect spirits to endure.  Is it too far-fetched to believe that we need to work on the war down here before bringing these children into the world?  I know I may sound like looney toons to some, but why should that matter to me?  We are struggling with infertility for a reason.  I have faith that the reason is by divine plan and not because my body is failing to act the way it's "supposed" to act.  Is that so wrong?  I don't claim to be a religious zealot and I'm not preaching on a soap box, by any means.  This is just what I believe to help me get through what is proving to be our biggest difficulty so far.  Some may not understand and some may.  As I said at the beginning, my only hope is that someone going through what we are may see this as a glimmer of hope.

Having a child the "natural way" may not be a part of the plan for us, but that doesn't mean we'll stop trying.  And yes, I've heard all of the stories of women who got pregnant after adopting their first child.  That's not the reason why we want to proceed with adoption.  To me, it's because that first child needed to be part of the adopted family more than the adopted family needed to have a child by birth at the time.  I'm elated for all of the women I know that have endured infertility problems, adopted, and then get pregnant.  I think of one very inspiring friend and their precious little girl and new little addition to their family.  My heart is full for them.  But it just reassures my faith that everything happens for a reason.  There is a divine plan for everything.  I don't leave things to chance.  I'm not a gambler, never have been.  Heavenly Father has a plan.  And we have to have faith that this is just another bump in the road of his plan for us.  I have an amazing testimony of the power that He has and the power that Satan wields.  They are both very real to me.  And I know that as long as we are on the path we need to be, His divine plan will always win and we will be richly blessed in ways we can't imagine.  I know these things.  I feel these things.  And I know that through Him, all things are possible.

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