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Sunday, September 8, 2013

Another test of faith...

***DISCLAIMER*** This post contains medical information that may make men say "eww..."  Read at your own risk.

So my appointment yesterday turned out to be more painful than I had imagined.  I walked out saying to my mom that I definitely don't want kids after that procedure.  I went yesterday to have an x-ray called a hysterosalpingogram.  Basically they insert a catheter, release dye into the uterus, and take x-rays while the dye flows through the fallopian tubes.  If you want to read about it in more depth, you can find it here.  All of this was explained to me by my RE {reproductive endocrinologist, or fertility specialist if you're a new reader} a week ago.  The nurse told me that I could take up to 800mg of Ibuprofen an hour before for the pain.  Yeah, I took the entire 800mg.  It still didn't prepare me.  Sure, she said there would be some crapping, but I was not prepared.

As I'm sitting there, laying on a table with a giant x-ray machine hovering over me and my feet in those lovely stirrups {you'd think someone would come up with something more comfortable}, I kept thinking, how bad can this really be?  It wasn't until the doctor doing the x-ray told me to take slow deep breaths and hold one of the nurse's hands that I realized this was really going to suck.  And man, it did.  It felt like my uterus was being wrung out like a wet rag in vice grips over and over again.  I felt like I laid there for an hour when in reality it was probably 5 minutes.  I was in and out of the facility in about 30 minutes.  It was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever felt.  Which led to the conversation with my mom back to the car.

I told her there was no way I was dealing with child birth.  Naturally, she asked me why I was going through all of this then.  The answer is very simple: I want to be a mother.  Yes, we're still working through adoption papers because I've always known that I wanted to adopt children, but that doesn't mean that I don't still want to try to have a child.  I will be the first one to say that I am one of those women with no desire to feel pregnancy.  Yes, it would be incredibly special to feel something growing inside.  But I don't want the pain.  I don't want the swollen boobs.  I don't want to feel like I have to pee every five seconds.  And I really don't want to feel child birth.  At.  All.  I don't think pregnancy is magical.  I don't fawn over pregnancy photos of bare, round bellies.  I do think it is an amazing experience that some women are made for.  But I don't think I'm one of them.

But that doesn't mean I don't want children the natural way.

I want a child more than my heart can take.  I want to hold that little bundle of every miraculous thing that Heavenly Father can give us and stare down in awe of the blessings and headaches he or she will bring.  I want to wake up in the middle of the night to find Michael asleep with them in his arms after a late night feeding.  I want the joys and the laughter and even tears.  I want to one day be their best friend.  I want them to have the best grandparents in the world.  And I want to grow old knowing that I brought that child into the world, taught them everything I know, and leave this Earth knowing they are still as perfect as they were when they were born...just with a few bumps and bruises.

I can't imagine the feelings that a couple has when a child is lost.  But I can imagine the feelings they have when they don't have a child and they try to.  I know Heavenly Father has plans for us to be parents.  I know that with all of my heart and soul.  I do have faith that one day it will be our turn and I don't doubt that we will be terrible at it...but we'll learn.  I have to remember that I'm supposed to be a mother.  I've known this ever since I was 15 when I received my Patriarchal Blessing.  I just have to remember that it's all in the Lord's time.  Maybe taking this trip was something we're supposed to do.  Maybe something miraculous will happen.  Or maybe it's just reason for us to celebrate being together and being able to explore and just be us.  Either way, our life is to live by His will.  And so we'll bear with it and go through the struggles with our heads held high, knowing that they are there for a reason.

I think of the 122nd section of the Doctrine and Covenants when I think of our struggles.  Although we did not in any way endure the torment that Joseph Smith did in his day, this can be applied to anyone. 

 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy aname, and fools shall have thee in bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;

 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.

 And thy apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ahonor; and but for a small bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.

 If thou art called to pass through atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 If thou art aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;

 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 Therefore, ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall bremain with thee; for their cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

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