Hope in all things...

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the Church Presidency

From "The Infinite Power of Hope"

I wanted to cry.  I just felt like opening up and letting it flow would be the most cathartic way to get past all of these feelings.  "You're allowed to feel three emotions," said my RE.  "Anger, frustration, and confusion.  You're not allowed to feel panic or despair."  I told him I was feeling pretty angry.  So there's a start.

As I said in my last post, I knew something was up.  I was asked to come in to explain the x-ray and the nurse wouldn't give me much over the phone.  I was preparing myself for the worst.  I was initially supposed to wait until next Monday {a few hours before boarding a plane for Ireland}, but since I had to come in for an ultrasound today, they were able to fit me in with him.  Probably the best choice.  Unfortunately, this meant that Michael couldn't be with me.  I didn't realize how much I needed his support until it wasn't there.  

He started off by showing me images of my uterus and fluid being injected.  Then he pointed out something important.  The fluid wasn't going anywhere.  It was just stopping.  Blocked fallopian tubes isn't an uncommon thing, but most of the time, with a little help, they can be pretty much unplugged and be back to working status.  Unfortunately my situation is a little more severe.  All we know is that the ends of my tubes, the finger-like parts that bring the egg from the ovary and release it into the tube, is so blocked on both of my tubes that the ends, the finger-like parts, are now damaged.  And there's no way to repair them.  

He explained this by stating in the 80s and 90s, women would undergo surgery to "unblock" their tubes by removing the blocked parts, recreating the passageway from the fallopian tubes to the ovaries.  The surgery had such an amazing success rate, but since they didn't understand the working parts completely, they did not foresee the unsuccessful rate of pregnancy.  Without those finger-like parts {I should really find the real name for them}, the fallopian tubes cannot possibly function the way they are supposed to.  The ovaries don't throw an egg down the hatch and hope it makes it.  This is one of the vital functions of the tubes.  They realized this in the late 90s.  

So what are my options?  Since there is no way to repair the damage done to my tubes {and really no way of knowing how long they have been like this}, I can either have them removed or permanently blocked off.  Basically, the fear is that any fluid that has built up {and my left one is fairly large with fluid} can reflux back into my uterus and damage the lining.  My fallopian tubes have basically dropped to the usefulness of an appendix.  {Good thing that's already out.}

My options with pregnancy?  One.  IVF.  It's the one thing that Michael and I discussed we wouldn't do.  That was of course before we realized it was our only option for a natural birth.  I have a seemingly healthy uterus and follicles.  I am producing eggs.  IVF takes out the need for the fallopian tubes.  Of course, we do have adoption, which we are still working towards.  

So the question now: How am I feeling with all of this?  Well, three hours ago I was an emotional wreck.  But now, I feel a bit better after talking with some amazing friends and family.  I still haven't talked to Michael about it since he's at work, but we have a long road ahead of us to make decisions.

I am still very much pro-adoption.  I've always felt that adoption would be part of my life.  But, despite having no desire to go through pregnancy, I do want us to have our own children too.  I feel like we can have both.  And we should have both.  Why not?  I'm still kind of angry.  And I'm still very confused.  This is where our test of faith comes in.  I was talking to my wonderful friend Amber when she said something like "I really feel like this is supposed to happen for you.  That you are supposed to be parents."  I know she's right, but it was the words that I needed to hear.  {I tear up just thinking about them.}  I know we're supposed to have children.  I'm supposed to be a Mother of Zion and bring children into the world.  There are no other words that can be as comforting as the ones from my Patriarchal Blessing.  And I have to keep remembering that.  And I have to keep having faith.

For now...we just want Monday to come quick so we can be off to Ireland and not think about all of this for a week.  We need some time to decompress and just be the two of us.  And for those who have said, "Oh just relax, I bet you'll get pregnant while you're there.  That's all you need,"...joke is on you.