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Saturday, October 5, 2013

"You have now joined the ranks of some of the most amazing women in the history of the world like Sarah, Hannah and Elizabeth."




I needed a few days for everything to sink in, to talk about it with Michael, and just find my faith.  Not that I lost it.  No, no...far from lost it.  Just needed to hang on to it and pull myself up.

I am completely blown away be the show of love and support that Michael and I have had in light of our fertility discovery.  It's been amazing and I can honestly say that I know Heavenly Father has put these people in our lives for this reason.  To get us through this speed bump.

I received one particular message from one of my most beloved friends.  The title of this post comes from that email.  I have never thought about comparing myself to women in the Bible.  I mean, c'mon.  They're in the Bible!  But it is so true.  These are women who have cried unto the Lord and who have pleaded to him.  And I truly believe that these women have been with me through this and are the reason that I have been able to get through this.

I've had several people ask me, "How do you do it?  You are taking it so well."  It's no big secret.  I feel like I have been prepared for this for a long time.  I've told so many people as I was a teenager that I wanted to adopt.  I didn't understand then that it was for this purpose.  For this moment in time.  I do very much want to have biological children, but I know that there are children in the world {or will be in the world} that need us. 

One very dear friend asked if IVF was against Mormonism.  I may have incorrectly answered her by stating that it was not, but after reading on it, I don't believe that it is against Mormonism in this situation.  Let me be clear, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints discourages the use of IVF for the purpose of having children outside of marriage.  {You can read the official policy here.}  Ultimately, the use of IVF lies with the husband and wife.  It was never something that we refused to want to do.  And I know there's nothing wrong with it.  Medical advances have come so far in the last few years.  It's just something we weren't prepared to do...before it was our only option.  Right now, we feel we are on the right track with adoption. 

General Conference started today.  {For more information about our conferences, read here.}  These talks have been so amazing and inspirational.  I have no doubt that these words are divinely inspired.  And this is why...Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an incredible talk about being like a broken vessel.  Please take a moment to watch the highlight below.  For me, it's hard to imagine going into a deep, dark spiral because of the news that we got.  I'm sure there are some that struggle with it.  But this reminds me of a question that a fellow Mormon asked regarding Mormon women's views of postpartum depression and not feeling like they are the God-like women that they should be.  My views on this are simple.  Being a psychology major, I know that there are some people that suffer with depression and other debilitating diseases that they cannot simply wake up and get rid of.  But then there are some attitudes that can be changed by perception and faith.  I have faith that I am struggling with this for a reason and I cannot let it bring me down.  I have faith that Heavenly Father has put me on this path because there is some reason...there is something I am supposed to learn from it.  I know my prayers are heard.  I know He answers them too.  He showed me that with the incredible outpouring of love that I have felt.  I know that He loves me.  I may not be able to fathom the lengths and depths of His love, but I feel it there and I cannot put that feeling into words.  I cannot perform the number one function that a woman is supposed to.  But that in no way makes me less God-like than someone who has had multiple children.  I am a broken vessel.  But my faith in Heavenly Father fills those cracks with a mortar that no man can mix.

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