I feel a very unusual sensation - if it's not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude. {Benjamin Disreali}

I've been avoiding my blog for the last month or so.  Part of it is to try to escape the reality that we were hit with in October.  And the other part is really because I haven't had much to say.  But tonight I came to the realization that I have a lot to say.  And even more...I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it's not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.  -Benjamin Disreali

I don't know who this person is, but I'm thankful for his sense of humor.  I saw this quote tonight while at enrichment night for my mom's ward.  I love popping in from time to time because I still have so many amazing friendships with women over there.  One incredible woman in particular {we'll call her D} approached me in September and asked if  I would design a poster for their activity for November.  This was not anything new.  I had worked very closely with her last year planning activities and she is so dear to me, so naturally I said yes.  She gave me some thoughts on what she was looking for.  Having no idea what the activity was, I came up with this.  She loved it.

Don't mind the bubbles.

I showed up tonight, still not really knowing what was going on.  My poster added to the elusiveness.  We all sat down and then D begins to tell about this movie that she has put together.  It was about thirty minutes long and it was her interviewing various women and asking about their blessings, what they're grateful for, people in their lives that they're grateful for, tough experiences that ended up being a blessing, and so on.  It was such an amazing reminder of the trials that we go through.

Within the first thirty seconds or so she interviewed a fairly new sister in their ward, M.  {New to the point where I didn't know her.}  All I knew about M is that she has two adorable kids.  She told about a trial she experienced that helped her see the blessings in her life now.  What was that trial?  Infertility.  She said how experiencing what she did was such a blessing to her that she is now more careful about asking certain questions regarding pregnancy and that it has caused her to have an incredible love for her children.  Here I am, completely shocked and in awe of what M is saying mainly because it is everything that I have been feeling.

Ever since we have started "trying" to have kids, I have been doing something that nobody knows about.  Not a single soul.  And I'm about to share it with the world.  I have been keeping a notebook of letters to our future first born child.  It says everything.  I keep it with me and write in it on good days and bad.  Especially bad.  Because those are the days that I need the reminder that one day we will have our turn.  I plan on giving these letters to our first-born some day when they're old enough to understand what is in it.  Mainly so they can understand how much we have been wanting a child and how much we have been yearning to be parents.  I want to make sure they know that through all the crappy times we will have {because teenagers are so easy to get along with}, they will always be our number one priority and they were always wanted and loved even before they were with us.

I had the opportunity tonight to share my gratitude.  I'm pretty sure D felt inspired to call on me because my heart was completely overwhelmed with this feeling of gratitude.  It is something I have said over and over again the last few months and it is something I will never get tired of saying.  I am grateful for our trials.  I am grateful for this particular trial.  I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed an amazing man in my life that has been there for me through all of this.  I am grateful for this transition that we have to wait.  Because of this we have grown so much closer to each other and to Him.  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and to serve in the temple.  This has been the most defining moment in my life and I know I have so much to learn from it.  

I recently listened to a talk on CD by an incredible woman named Kris Belcher called But Now I See.  It is incredible.  I met Kris a few years ago and am in complete awe of her spirit and conviction.  She has gone through so much in her life including going blind in one eye at a very young age and being disfigured growing up because of needed radiation on her eyes.  Her story is remarkable and her spiritual beauty surpasses anything that appears on the outside.  In her talk she consistently mentions throwing everything to Jesus Christ because He knows all.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He knows why we are here and what trials we will face.  He knows our strengths and our weaknesses.  He knows our hearts.  He knows MY convictions.  He knows ME.  He knows my desires.

Every day is still a challenge.  More babies are announced and I still have that slight twitch of disappointment and jealousy.  But then I see the happiness in these parents' faces and know that I will have that one day.  He has not forgotten about us.  I just think He's getting us ready.  And I'm so grateful for that.